Let me start this spoiler-free review by saying that I had extremely low expectations for this movie. I don’t read reviews before I see a movie, but I’d seen headlines, and I was prepared for this to be the utter destruction of my childhood. I was…pleasantly surprised?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, directed by Michael Bay, was a poorly written but entertaining movie, and my childhood survived with only a few bruises. It’s a modern reboot of the 90s cartoon show and movies, though thankfully goes more for “campy” than “gritty”. In this reincarnation, the turtles and their rat father figure/sensei Splinter were lab animals. An experiment with some alien goo turned them into grotesque parodies of their canon personalities. Leonardo, always the leader, is quiet and stoic and has very few lines. Rafael has gone from broody rebel to nine-foot-tall hulking brute whose secret is that he’s always angry. Michelangelo, no longer a California surfer, is now a keyboard-cat-loving dudebro, which is surprisingly endearing. And Donatello—oh Donny. Donny, Donny, Donny. What did they do to you? Donatello, instead of being the quiet, bookish brother who I had a crush on when I was ten, is a gangly mouth-breathing hacker nerd with taped glasses and a penchant for speaking like nerds do in movies but no sentient being has ever spoken in real life. I cringed every time he was on the screen.
April O’Neil, played by Megan Fox, was a disappointment. She’s a hot but expressionless news anchor who’s always doing fluff pieces but dreams of being an investigative reporter. Her idea of “investigative reporting” is doing an ill-conceived Nancy Drew impression and getting in trouble a lot. At one point she sneakily takes pictures of a crime in progress, except that she has the camera turned around backwards and is actually taking pictures of her own face. I don’t think that was in the script.
The plot was too stupid to talk about, so let’s skip that part.
Ultimately, it was enjoyable, especially once it got away from April’s search for a real news story and focused on the turtles. They had some funny moments, and you got the impression that they really had grown up with only each other for company. Their interactions were the best part of the movie, and are what saved the movie from being utter drivel. The fight scenes seemed to take place in an oddly frictionless environment, but they were exhilarating. I enjoyed seeing the turtles in the modern world, talking about watching Lost and doing Nolanverse Batman impressions. I wish there had been some character development—literally the only character development in the entire movie was Rafael learning the same lesson he learns in every single movie, which is that he’s a follower, not a leader—but that seems to be too much to ask for action movies these days.
I’d rank it far below every other TMNT movie (yes, even Turtles in Time) but I might consider adding it to my collection someday, just for the sake of nostalgia. I’d give it 3 stars out of 5, though that includes half a star for the theme song cameo at the end of the movie. Don’t watch it in theaters. Wait for it to come out on Netflix and keep your expectations low, and you’ll be fine.